10 years ago today (July 1st) I left Dayton, Ohio and moved to New York. I arrived with a black suitcase, full of dreams and a sewing machine. I wanted to be a model, a fashion designer and a magazine owner. So full of ambition. I was so excited to be starting my adult life in the big city! I had my life mapped out for the next 10 years. And then 10 years finally arrived.
Yesterday, I swam in the depths of my thoughts looking back on what I have been doing for all these years. One thing I am proud of, is that I came here and accomplished what I intended to accomplish. I modeled and began my own business. My fashion magazine dream turned into Beauty Blueprint. The fashion designer idea went by the wayside. Maybe later I will revive it again, who knows?
Although I achieved a lot while being here, I still wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t satisfied because I wasn’t free. You never feel totally free in New York because it’s always a grind. I’ve spent so many nights grinding my teeth because it is indeed a grind. It’s the city of ambition and always striving for more. It’s like you’re a slave to striving. “I could have done more- so much more. Only if…” I’ve always said. New York is such a big place- so many people come here to start their dreams and so many walk away with nothing to show for it. I didn’t want to be one of those people.
Just like Shakaya Leone says, less striving and more arriving. These past few months I’ve learned to let go by not being so caught up in trying to be in this magazine or get my work in that magazine. Not worried about being on the scene, just relax and it will all come to me. Not worrying about posting on Instagram and taking selfies just to gain traffic. I got tired of being a slave to the grind. I’ve learned to work more smart than hard because hard work is what caused me to clench my jaw. My model agent told me to lose 4 pounds and I told her that it wouldn’t happen, I’m already skinny. I will never strive to be some big time model again. I’ve outgrown those stages. I prefer to live how I want to live. Hey, you either like me or you don’t. If they call me for a booking wonderful! If not, oh well. At least I have my Beauty Blueprint biz;) I leave that hustle for the young, up and coming girls who are hungry for fame- as I once was.
I look at it like a journey, a place where I began my adult life, but not a place where I would end it. It’s just a stop along the way. There is more to come.
On the eve of my 10 year anniversary, this book arrived. I made the cover of a novel titled Shadowshaper. Talk about perfect timing! And today I am going to a release party for the author! Right on the anniversary! This book reminded me that I needed to be grateful for all that I have accomplished. I went from broke, eating hot soup in the summer because I had no money, to cooking healthy meals and living on my own with no roommates and being able to travel because I can afford it! Sure, I’m no millionaire yet, like I planned to be or that big time famous model that everyone knows, but I’m ok with that. I’ve learned that when I let go, more gifts come. More modeling jobs just appear, opportunities to travel more and more women knowing Beauty Blueprint.
I just hope this post can inspire the next person who feels the same way. Or someone who feels like they are in a rut and they can’t get out. I guess it’s hard to be grateful for what you have sometimes. It’s hard to live in the present when you’re always striving for more. You miss out on so much life when you can’t live in the now.
How ironic it’s a full moon in capricorn today- my sun sign the ambitious goat, always climbing up the mountain! I guess that climbing will never cease!